I am Jack

beandog @ 2003-12-31T14:07:00

2003-12-31T22:46:34Z

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Left.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't have any and wont make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?
America.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Stability.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The perfect one.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the
Starting a band

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting myself be bland.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Kidney Stones. (not a drug overdose or alcohol poisoning)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A Fender Bassman.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Shannons.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The other half.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The road trip and the band.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Doesn't matter, it ended up being a dissapointment.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
"A Line Allows Progress, a Cicle Does Not"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
Same.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Same.
iii. richer or poorer?
Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Anything that made me feel i was living.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Things that didnt matter.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Drinking.

21. What character from a movie/tv show/book did you most relate to this year?
A.J. Albany.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Yeah, but it scared me.

23. How many one-night stands?
Zero.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Family Guy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
Low Down

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Saturday Looks Good To Me.

28. What did you want and get?
A legal drinking age.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Lost in Translation.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Got really drunk, 21.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Something to make everything worth while.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Womanly.

34. What kept you sane?
Jack Daniels.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Elliott Smith.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Does it matter.

37. Who did you miss?
Shannon, Todd, JoJo, Mike, and Ed

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Eve and Mike

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
It's all the same unless you make it different, or if it scares you, its probably good.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different."

beandog @ 2003-05-31T19:32:00

2003-06-01T02:37:40Z

And it was the way her black hair fell across her pale face. It was the colour of her eyes that i cant quite remember, but i'll never fucking forget...

It was that her heart was still red.

...the way she looked inside me and might have thought that wilting roses can be prettier than living...

i find myself back here and would rather be alone.

beandog @ 2003-04-19T00:53:00

2003-04-19T08:52:16Z

Fuck life. It depends to much on hope, and hope is just a dream, and dreams are meant to be woken up from. It's fine that you can forget, but i can't. i get to dwell on three am infomercials, as you get the life i wish for. And all the while my ears hear truth, while your mouth speaks lies.

beandog @ 2003-03-16T17:14:00

2003-03-17T01:17:20Z

Fuck, my brain is a fucking mess again. i just want to pick one day and live it forever. Fun thoughts and dumb actions. Ah, i feel great.

beandog @ 2003-03-11T11:17:00

2003-03-11T19:26:38Z

She walked through my mind all day, on yellow daisies and black weeds.

Yellow?

Roses.

Distance?

Walked.

Forever with me and words away. It might be harder to walk through them than to her. It will be harder to walk through nothing alone, but she'll always have the field of my heart, to walk all over.

beandog @ 2003-03-08T12:07:00

2003-03-08T20:15:19Z

Once upon a time, i was too fucked up. You were perfect, i was broken. i could have been perfect, if you helped me. Then, a pinprick was a writing pen. Three steps forward and i wanted to hear the door. It never opened so i let it close. i gave up after climbing that cliff with the reward of a shove more times than i'd like to recall. i only wanted everything, i should have asked for more. Because once upon a time, we were too fucked up.

beandog @ 2003-03-05T19:40:00

2003-03-06T03:43:39Z

Being with her is like being alone, without ever feeling lonely.

This sound's so bad.

2003-03-02T12:54:28Z

It would have been beautiful, if your shirt ended red. It could have been perfect, if knowledge knew. It might have been hard to lose. i should never be hard to lose. That piece of trash when they were five. That keepsake for three. Years later would have been a waste. One i was willing to save. You were heaven for. Ever hell. i'm sorry, i knew.

beandog @ 2003-02-26T09:34:00

2003-02-26T17:48:12Z

Another night scared of myself. Again she danced in my mind like we did in a time without eye's. Lost in the light that i took as my life, and it crept in from bruises to bright again. Another breakfast of death and caffeine, another drunk afternoon. Again i'll be dreaming of sleep, instead of sleeping to dream. To dream? A dream? And they'll stop talking, and i'll stop shaking. i'll look in her eye's as she stares through my words. Then maybe the stains will really be gone. Maybe i'll really wake up.

beandog @ 2003-02-24T12:13:00

2003-02-24T20:19:53Z

Everything's okay sweetheart, i'll kiss you slowly all night. Eventually i'll get the courage to pick up the pen and carve out the beautiful line's. i could colour all night with you. We'll pay for you to tell us everything i already know. The worst was yet to come, they already gave up on me. Like something that can't get started. No, we already started it, but now it's going to be so hard to finish. Mile's between and word's apart. Pressing wont be enough for too long. My hand wanders aimlessly between liquor and blood, but know's they'll eventually meet in the middle.

Found this in my wallet

2003-02-21T20:31:23Z

All i had to do was breathe in deep to see myself so small. i want to be so small that you can see every part move inside of me, except for my thought's, unless your her. i want my skin so tight i can trace every vein like a map to my heart. i want to be so small, six feet down, and forever away.

beandog @ 2003-02-08T03:47:00

2003-02-08T12:01:54Z

...and die, and die, and die. i am so, so fucking sorry. i should be so happy right now. In another world i would be. In this world i should be. This is about you, but everyone deserves so much better. You deserve better. i tried to keep myself from this, from degrading you. i tried to open up my side to prerequisite my wrist, then i would have slept somewhere totally foreign. The ground if i was lucky, no; a fucking furnace. To you again; it was fucking perfect, it was me that wasn't.

beandog @ 2003-02-07T00:31:00

2003-02-07T08:39:40Z

Tonight i formed a relationship stronger than any before. Not because it understood, because it knew. i have now decided that the only thing i can try to do is fail. Fuck, i've already succeded at that, but now it's my goal. All that i want is to be nothing. i want to be nothing, unimportant. From now on, that's all i will strve for. He's like a father figure, but on the same level. He really know's, he's been there.

beandog @ 2003-02-06T01:26:00

2003-02-06T09:33:35Z

Each day i slip deeper into diseases i never believed in. i am young so i'm not supposed to believe in death, i just dream about it. i look into the horizon and see Dorthy's ruby red slipper's, except they're standing on a road of diamond's. "There's no place like home." Where's my home. Will i find it before i sleep forever?

i wrote this earlier and forgot the paper so i'll try to remember everything i felt then.

2003-02-06T08:48:52Z

Trace a thin line with something you tried to forget, or hide. It will open up wide enough to color more tissue than anyone should know. "What colour?" Black, that's what made it. "Made it?" Made it red. "You mean..?" Yes. Bulimia is just a crutch for people who have no conviction. Random. And this is just an excuse to tell you without you knowing, a mask, an unsigned letter in a font foreign to my hand. i woke up five times in the same room in a dream that turned into a nightmare every time i thought i had opened my eye's. They condemn me for following their footsteps, but mostly his. They think i was blind until i was six. They thought if the light was out and my eye's were closed then i was asleep. It gave them the chance to speak loudly, and truly. "I never yell, i just speak loudly." And i was supposed to be sleeping, they really thought i was sleeping. And now i'm scared because he taught me to trust something that could make me brave enough to be a coward. i find hope in someone i made up, or maybe i know her.She fit's the part. She held my hand as i fell asleep in a haze after i had cried my eye's out because i realized that there was something wrong. She cried with me. She cried for me. i told her things that no one should know. i told her that, and i can't let her know this.

beandog @ 2003-02-04T22:58:00

2003-02-05T07:05:42Z

She's the type of girl who could never be ugly, that's why i could love her forever. The worst part is that she's real, just not attainable. She doesn't just listen to me, she hears me. She doesn't just want to know, she understands.

beandog @ 2003-02-03T20:48:00

2003-02-04T05:13:49Z

Tilt it back, then it's gone. i know when i like myself. i know. It seem's like i just can't get it right, i can't find it. If i did would i know it? Do i even know what i want? i do, i know it, and i might have found it. But...

She wrote those word's so vaguely. i waited till i was the farthest away to let it unfold, and then i didn't even know if it meant how it read to me. i never know. Maybe, no, never...

i know exactley what i should do, exactley how to be happy. No one would like it though, and now it sound's like something i wrote before, but it's not.

She always know's what to say.

beandog @ 2003-01-31T23:53:00

2003-02-01T08:08:33Z

It work's as long as i don't think. It's worked as long as i pretend. "How are you feeling? How are you feeling?" You're just making me remember everything i left to forget. And it's so fucking frusterating to know that it will never go away...

Unless i am actually getting closer to giving up. i'm gonna have to choose one to let go. Wich would be worse? i don't know yet. Everynight my vision go's blurry, but i never taste salt. It help's sometime's. It keeps me from thing's i tried not to tell. Anyone who heard, i love you so much. Especially you.

beandog @ 2003-01-08T18:10:00

2003-01-09T02:10:16Z

And she's not even attractive. She's the most attractive girl i've ever talked to, or been with. But it never happened. i'm never sad, i just painted the mirror with a time in my life. She washed it away it was like a mistake not to be remembered, but i shouldn't forget it. So now i have to make a swipe of my pen like that of something that's hidden. i don't know how long it can be.

Thank you so much Catherine.

beandog @ 2003-01-08T18:02:00

2003-01-09T02:09:14Z

And she's not even attractive. She's the most attractive girl i've ever talked to, or been with. But it never happened. i'm never sad, i just painted the mirror with a time in my life. She washed it away it was a mistake not to be remembered, but i shouldn't forget it. So now i have to make a swipe of my pen like that of something that's hidden. i don't know how long it can be.

Thank you so much Catherine.

beandog @ 2002-12-14T19:44:00

2002-12-15T03:48:04Z

He took a substitute. It wasn't what he wanted but it was more than he had. He tried so hard not to settle but when he did he tried so hard to make it everything he had read about. He lied to himself when it began to faulter and tried harder. He thought it might hold everything he woke up from if he just tried harder. He looked for so long and it was as close as he could get. They all thought he was so cold but he couldn't keep up the lie and he knew it. It wasn't his fault that it didn't exist.

beandog @ 2002-12-14T18:52:00

2002-12-15T02:53:38Z

i don't normaly post lyric's but fuck normalcy anyway. It fit's nice.

a line allows progress, a circle does not

sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way
it is late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
while you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again
stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before the catch back up with you
and your parents noticied your thinning face,
all the weight you lost
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
before the ice melts away
this feeling used to pass
but seems like it's every day and every night now

beandog @ 2002-12-13T20:37:00

2002-12-14T04:44:50Z

Even now i still can't help but to go against everything i thought i had learned. Why don't i just save myself the time and effort and remember what always happens. i think it's because i hope i can forget. Or maybe i just enjoy it.

beandog @ 2002-12-10T23:50:00

2002-12-11T07:55:53Z

Thank you so much, it feels much better to have a smiling bouncy face for a change.

Don't read this if your not gonna read it.

2002-12-08T21:47:11Z

i'm so glad he found me tonight. He made me look inside and realize that everyone is nothing. i want to tell them all the wrong thing's for all the right reason's. i want to whisper all the right thing's in her ear and never see her face. The most intimate we'll ever be will be my breath warming her ear, my word's her heart, and she'll hate me forever for it. i am the worst for everyone and i know it. i am the worst for myself. i want to tell someone, but i just let them pretend i'm fine. i just want someone to curl up into, someone to protect me from this. Everyone can know but don't tell anyone. Don't even tell me. Anyone that thinks i'm at all special is wrong, i'm nothing, i'm just here. i wear this badge __ __ _____ to remind me i'm a mistake, a failure. Don't try to make me regret who i am, or what i do, i can do that by myself. i still pretend something will change, but it wont. We made it up so long ago but we never question it, we just believe it. Just like a bunch of children. i think thats what we all want to be. We need to have something to make all this make sense. i just want to put the sound of her breath and her heart on repeat, and listen to it over and over, until i sleep forever.
What do you want?
i want to know everything she would say before she say's it, because i was going to say the same thing. i want to watch her tongue form the word's i never knew i wanted to hear, and then sleep on with my head on her chest forever to share a dream that never end's. i fool myself everyday into thinking i'll find it, and i know i won't. i think i have to get out there so it can happen, but i know i might as well just stay home and...

...nothing